Be at peace
Last week I was kinda battling within myself. I call it mental war. For you who meet me most of the time would realised that I looked so drained out lately, u could see the obvious dark circles around my eyes. Well, not because I slept less, but MY MIND harldy slept. I was struggling with my own self.
I find it hard to explain in simple way. Well, let me try to do it though. I found it hard to accept myself as what it is. Let me repeat: I hardly accept myself as it is. There are some of my own quality that I dont like, and worse, I want to change and get rid off it. Dont get me wrong…. it is not wrong at all to change yourself. It’s the process that matters. I wasnt at peace with myself. I was fighting against it. And it drained me out, didnt give me any benefits at all….Seriously.
Just now I heard a dharma talk by Ajahn Brahm. What he said actually opened my eyes. I was questioning myself and got no answer these past few days. Why did I fall that deep? Why I felt so drained out despite the enough rest? Why wasnt I happy? Why? Why? Why????
Having listened to it, I realised that I wasnt at peace with myself. I should’ve forgiven myself more, should accept it as what it is. Well, I wasnt born to be good-at-everything person. And I have to accept that. I was just being too hard on myself. I didnt really look after it very well and nourish it with love.
Ajahn Brahm mentioned that sometimes we want to get rid off something in part of our life because we dont like it. But, what if it is the ‘essential’ part of our life to see the truth (in a right way)? It really opened my eyes. Yeah, maybe instead of rejecting or fighting against it, I should have just used it and contemplate it and see how it is as what it is. Well, I bet most of you would find my previous line confusing. I dont wanna explain further, cos dun think everyone would get it anyway. But I said that in a Buddist term. For simplicity, you guys can just ignore that sentence. I wrote it merely to pour out my thoughts….
There is a metaphor of the thing I just said. We can analogise the thing you dont like as ‘dog poo’. People ‘normally’ would simply throw away the poo. But, instead of doing such, why dont we use the poo as a fertiliser in our garden? Why dont we make the most out of it?
Now, I just wanna be at peace with LIFE….
Btw, Happy Mother’s Day!!
May 13th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
I think growing up is part of struggling and I am continually struggling as well. So you can say it is suffering in one kind but I believe without suffering, we would not know what is true happiness within our life. Even though now you are struggling, but from the efforts you will gain inner contentment of knowing yourself even more.